Doldrums Of Process

Doldrums of process, what could I possibly mean by that? -To me, it's the 'activity' of an activity. Paradoxical statement, I know.

But throughout these months of creating something new, I've come to realize that sometimes the repetition of a certain routine tends to create an illusion of seemingly going nowhere. In other words, boredom of routine sets in. It becomes a mundane activity that once was fueled with enthusiasm. To add to that, I'm beginning to distant myself from the very hands-on creative phase of what I do as an artist as I begin looking the bigger picture of the CG industry and figuring out how to better play a part in putting everyone together.

I'm quite done with playing the individual artist, it has been almost a year I've been trying to set some ideas into motion. Hopefully by doing so I can creat a platform where artists get to express their creative ideas on. My approach remains as simple and 'dumb' as it can ever get. -Why fight among the sharks in an ocean that is blood red? The million dollar question is this: How do we play the ocean instead? -The price to pay? I will have to give up doing something cool to do the mundane side of piecing everything together. Also, along with that would be to give up the artist title and accept the title of an entrepreneur. Which most artists perceive as a corporate zombie who only hungers for profit. I will bear with that.

It's no wonder everybody wants to make something cool as an artist, the process and results are fun! People get wow'd, and people admire your talent. Compliments fly, that's why artists get hooked onto it. But who is going to create the canvases, the paint brushes, and colors? -That's boring. No one cares, at least not the unconscious ones. Someone's gotta clean the sh*t up, so that the city won't stink. Someone's gotta do the dirty jobs.

And by this metaphorical representation of mundane process, I have stood by and persevere. It's boring. All the running around. The self-discipline to get to the printing central in the city. The inevitable spending invested into prototype after prototype. All in hopes that this idea will carry through and make a success of itself through whatever effort I can muster in. I know where I want to be, consciously. But I'm still not very convinced when I lay in bed every night. As my mind drift towards wanting a female companion. It's stupid, because I know I will not be able to attract a female companion for life if I can't put together my own life first. Undoubtedly, as you can probably imagine this process is a very solitary one. That's why the inner struggle as I lay in bed each night. Even this, I will have to bear with it for as long as it takes me to put my own life together. Fully.

I'm not particularly hard to please, in fact I find myself satisfied with simple pleasures. Do not be mistaken, as by simple pleasures I mean by indulging myself in the company of sports cars, learning one thing and one thing only without ever having to worry about money. Which, to most is a dream of a rich man. And yes, I want to be wealthy in mind, body, soul, and material. There is definitely no mistake about that.

There is however one very certain thing about me, I want freedom. In fact, I NEED it. Without it I would go insane, and perhaps end my life willingly. For what is life when one does not have the very freedom to run, jump, and be amazed at the sheer genius of nature's greatest gift, the human body? Along with that also will be the freedom to create things so great that even leaders of men would cease for a moment and allow a second of wonderment to overcome them. Walt Disney sure did that well. I'm bored out of my mind with the things people created, I want to scale castles, run in a dragon park, and workout in a fantasy-themed workout park. I want to wear armor and train with men in a fitness park guarded by iron-clad guards. These, I wish to see in Malaysia instead of all the boring mimicry of Western architectures like the ones we have in Cyber/Putrajaya. If one thing, Malaysia is blessed with resources. Sad that it is misused often.

So this doldrums of process, the seemingly empty feeling as you continue on this ever lonesome journey towards a destination of choice. It seems to linger on for months, if not weeks. This dull feeling of knowing there is much to be done, but at the very same time having to exercise the self-discipline to not allow these things to overwhelm me. Bite-size, I tell myself. Bite-size.

If I intend to build a castle, it has to start with a plan, the first brick, and a whole lot of nerve to persevere for years while others seemingly get higher pay, get promoted, get laid, and get married. All these things have plagued my mind as I forge ahead, but again this burning question remains... Who will pick up the pieces that are you when sh*t hits the fan? So should I care about what others think and do? When put into such a context, it doesn't matter anymore. Compassion starts with self.

So as this year comes to a close, I have come to realized that I've been quite alone since my breakup. No doubt there is an urge to quickly fill that gap, but as I look in the mirror once more I realized I'm not the best I can be yet. So I will have to wait.

In fact, I have a very strong urge to stay away from my family. As I have realized that I grow most when left alone, for there is an opportunity to take care of all that is in my life by only relying on myself. Mostly, it's the quiet times that I really enjoy. No external noises, no one telling me how I should run my life, and no one but myself to rely on.

Process. Process. Process. No matter how mundane it gets. From passion to feeling dead, that happened so quickly that I can barely recall how it feels like to feel such intense passion for something I did back then as a passionate artist. Frankly, I've lost it. I just do what is right, and what must be done nowadays. Duty is what they call this.

Often times, I feel like I'm self-coaching. I muster up my will power and walk to a nearby park where I have been training parkour fundamentals. I do things quite alone nowadays since I realized that most of my peers only say that they want to train, but their actions speak otherwise. I workout consistently every single day just so I won't let myself down. Even when I tore a tendon, I still pushed ahead. No excuses = no excuses.

This post is everywhere I realized lol, as I'm typing wherever my thoughts take me.

Come to think of it, throughout this 11 months I've been growing a fair bit. No doubt I'm still a clumsy lad from time to time. But I realized how far I'm crawled since January. It's not a pretty process, but I made progress. I have since graduated from hoarding toys and collectibles, gave up on spending on luxury items, invested in educational material monthly, and ultimately saving whatever little I could. Not to mention, I've been servicing a housing loan for a year + now. That's pretty cool come to think of it. Hopefully in a decade's time I will realize that it is indeed a good move, despite all the complications it caused me.

No doubt when compared to those born with a golden spoon, I have close to nothing in material. But when seen from a context of a self-made individual, I'm inching slowly but surely. I only hope that for whatever 6 years I've spent after coming to West MY will payoff in the coming 2 years as I beat my own path in life. By my own hands and what is given to me.

I must end this hear and head out to the park again. Cheerios. What man does not know that he is dying daily, aye?