Drizzly Days

As we draw close to the end of 2011, it's time for me to draw a final conclusion of what happened in my life.

To me, it is a year of massive personal growth as an individual maturing into adulthood; from boy to man. I'm still very much in the process as of now. The comforting fact is that I'm never alone in this rather confusing journey towards becoming a man. After having been through a rough relationship and being called a kid, I have made a solemn promise to myself that I will figure this out for good; and never allow myself the horrors and heartaches of letting another girl do such harm onto me. Trust, when men of past say never to wear your heart on your sleeve. I rest on the relief that I know better now.

To be honest with myself, I have loved her truly; and I still have positive feelings for her. It's a hard feeling to rid off, or put into words. And for that very same reason, I just cannot permit myself to run into her; if I had a choice in that matter of course. I prefer to stay away from her, with hopes that my feelings for her will simmer down and eventually fade off. I've learned that you can indeed love someone, but not be loved back. And it's okay, it's something personal and granted to the self. Furthermore, had I broken up with someone I'm done with; I'd really prefer not to run into them, in case of awkwardness. Especially if the girl still has feelings for me, for a more selfish reason I just do not want to deal with it. And I'm sure it's the same for her.

After all that I've heard, rumors being rumors; I feel disappointed with her, but at the same time I feel compassionate towards her; for all the confusion that she has to bear with and for all her actions that might have resulted from it. Of course men tell me that I can't control what a lady does, but I take it to myself that I have caused her to have taken that path out of the inclination caused by the confusion of emotions; which again is caused by the bad breakup. The bottom line is this, I still care enough to hate and feel positive feelings about her. At best, it's confusing. But it's better than to be thought of as a lint on the ground. Ignorance can kill.

Why not just forget her and move on? They ask me. Good question, and a rather valid one too. I tried. But which is worse? Denial? Or acceptance that I still have feelings for her? -I believe denial is the worst path I can choose. I would be lying to myself. What a way to break self-integrity.

Why not just get another girl and get it over with? They too ask of me. Another valid question. How can I pretend to like someone when I don't? Or how can I lie to myself and say that I will settle for less when I know I deserve the very best? -This does not make sense, thus I just can't commit such acts. Furthermore I do believe being a virgin dude has its value in today's 'I just wanna f*ck her brains out' male society. We'll see about this belief of mine. Considering that this belief also clashes with what many men have told me, that a boy will turn man once they have participated in coitus. Is that right? If taking a lady's virginity or ridding of one's own virginity means becoming a man, then why are there so many childish 'men' around?

I have a male acquaintance who have slept with 20 girls throughout his 26 years of existence. I don't see how he is more superior than I am, nor does he feel any more superior than me. We've talked about it, and so arrived at the conclusion that so long as a man can lead a life of virtue and that the lady of his desires thus chooses to stay by him and to die by him, then he is the superior man. Not the playboy who have slept with more women he can bother to count. With that said, to each his own. Some prefer quantity over quality, I myself prefer quality over quantity.

So I admit when it comes to my ex, that I still care about her and her family. I do miss all of them, especially her father. I'd give my all to learn from that great man. Unfortunately, the choices I have made in the past have led me here to take on this journey on my own; by my own means. Which isn't bad at all, considering the fact that this, in itself is a phase towards self-reliance. -I felt most relieved when I admitted to myself that I still care about her and her family, putting up a false front have led me only to exhaustion and frustration. I find it most comfortable living with myself when I'm honest to myself. This is a key lesson of 2011.

In my attempts to move on from the bad breakup, I've since done my very best to remove anything that could potentially remind me of the great times we had together. I'm not being bitter about it, do not misunderstand. It's hard enough to have to move forward having fallen out of grace with her, I'd like to be more compassionate towards myself by making this solitary journey easy on my soul. Rather, I'd love to think of it as self-deprivation from falling back into the idea of enjoying her company once more in my life. Whatever that isn't necessary I have removed from my living space. Some essential items can't be helped, so I've kept it close for practical usage.

To many guys and men out there have told me that they are lonely, and that they are still single and somewhat miserable this year; to which I'd say this much, while yes, you may be missing out on a lot of things that only loving couples can perform together. You all are better off forging a solitary path for yourself first. I had to learn it the hard way, and I sincerely wish this not on any living soul. Ah, the troubles and wounds of the heart. What confusion it makes for a person feeling it for the very first time.

Always have a personal base to fall back onto, this is another key lesson I've learned from that event. The day I was removed from her reality, I found myself heartbroken and confused outside my own apartment at the park with all my belongings; and one that is personally owned by me. Yet there I was without even the keys to the front door. What a ridiculous position I have allowed myself to be in. I won't say I proud of this, but I'm thankful to have learned this early this year than later in life.

The troubles began gradually the moment I allowed myself to shelter her in times of her desires when we were together, so much so that I've chosen to abandon myself and my family. So naturally, I've built a lifestyle around her and her family. So upon the abrupt end, at least for me; I was forced out of a routine and I found it most uncomfortable to even sleep in my own apartment. Just thinking back to those nights squeezes my heart a little. The sleepless nights and inevitable dreams of her.

For the better parts of the year, I've learned a great deal about manhood. It's amazing how many things I was clueless about when it came to transitioning into manhood. I've picked up countless materials dealing with male maturation from the Western world. Eben's materials have certainly given me a good start. Then there was the countless websites that I frequented during that painful period that gave answers and solutions. For what it's worth, I've invested thousands in those materials cumulatively. That and I've also learned how to better spend time with myself once more without feeling like I needed a girl to verify my existence. I figured if I was the girl I will love so madly, then I'd treat myself like a king; and all the negative talk should be advised against. And so it has.

I never thought I would feel this way, but throughout this year I've been having the inclination to leave home and stay by myself. It's odd for me to say this, because I've always fancied the idea of staying with my parents as I build my own family. I guess the old cliche rings true, there can only be one leader at home. And that is the reason I have such inclinations to begin with. As I begin to set rules for my own life, I find that it clashes with that of my father's; which can't be helped since I'm transitioning into self-reliance and away from his system of sustenance. Of course, I'm ever so grateful for a free car. That has proven to be of tremendous help in this transition process.

As for financial matters, I have to admit that I still have a fair distance to travel. I have set goals for myself, only to arrive short of them this year. Nevertheless, I've managed to save up a fair bit. It's not much, but it will do for starters. Half of what I spend on are necessities, while the better rest of it is spent on bringing my ideas to life. Then of course, to keep my sanity I do indulge in rewarding myself with the likes of an Instax camera, a Yamaha keyboard, and some decant perfume vials. Not to mention, my latest favorite; Grandpa's Pine Tar Soap. And yes, even soaps are counted as a worthy reward!

Conclusively speaking, I've busied myself with thoughts of multiplying money creatively once more. For that matter, I find myself most alive.

Then there is the physical business, I have been working out regularly since June. Seems like I still can't put on much weight, since I have yet to increase my intake. Nevertheless I have gained strength and more upper body mass. 200 Charles Atlas dips is staple these days, and I intend to keep this practice until I expire through time. So for physical goals, this year has proven fruitful.

So what of career? To be honest, I'm quite done with the CG industry as a technician. Indulging in game and game design tends to remind me of the rough times with my ex, and it has proven to be a great source of anxiety; as it was justly proven after the breakup during my bouts of anxiety attacks while at work in a game company. Those days were dark, I can barely focus without feeling the ghastly heartaches. So I've since left the industry and head down the path of an educator. I focus on attitude, and mindset more on technicalities as I realized at the end of the day, it's all about attitude and how one sees the world; whether it is a friendly place, or a scary place. My only humble hope is to have imparted the optimistic and self-reliant attitude to my students.

I'm beginning to look towards serving humanity as a career choice. I'm most interested in serving people in different arenas. It makes me come alive to ponder the possibilities of what can be should I step in. Why fight with all the rest of the artists? When I could better help them collaborate? -This has always been my belief, and rightly so that I will pursue this calling for the better years to come following 2012!

That's that. With concerns to the matters of the heart, I only hope for the best while I hustle as best as I could. I know I deserve better, and I deserve the best by my side. For that I need not fear, as men will forever gravitate towards which they secretly love most.

To life. Carpe diem.