As time darts by while I busy myself with the thoughts of yesterday, I realized it was never worth it to have striven that far with someone who readily admitted that she will be the first to commit acts of infidelity before I will even consider such acts. How did I miss that? -I must have set myself in denial. Some call it faith, I realized I might have mistaken blind faith with faith itself. I chose to believe in the good in her, when even she thought was not to be found in the first place. Oddly, I missed this subtle but vital cue. Not to mention all the countless times I was made as a comparison to all her gamut of men of the past. How did I miss that, or should I say, allowed that to persist til late? Only I can answer to that, and frankly I chose to put up with that than to confront such acts. Too nice, they call it. I'd say I'm probably the nicesterest guy you will ever meet 2 years back. Word for word. Call foul, and I will stoop even if it's clearly not my fault to begin with. I chose cowardice over confrontation. That remains a black mark in my timeline as a person.
Also, something interesting is this 'get it over with' mentality. It is another interesting topic of late. I've been pondering the possibilities of getting my life sorted out 'fast'. To be specific, in getting a girl and getting it over with. Unfortunately, I just can't see myself doing such things just to get things over with. It's a cheap shot, but it will hit nonetheless. The burning question is would I do such a thing? And agree to have such a thing done to me? -Not at all. So I ceased such thoughts. Patience is indeed a virtue.
It's eye-opening to see for real now how most ideal ladies I lay eyes on are as human as they can get. The most troubling and intriguing part about certain ladies is that they are very adept at hiding personality flaws through superficial appearances. No doubt it is vital that a lady know how to groom herself well, and conduct herself proper in the presence of others. But to hold secrets and appear as another person than one really is, is truly manipulative and fundamentally dishonest. But we men play an integral part of encouraging such manipulation, how can we expect the ladies not to press our buttons when we openly show it to them? Only a fool would say they won't.
Men. Men and their self-given weaknesses towards beauty. Many men will fall prey to the bearer of beauty, over and over again. Many men, disregarding all timeless wisdom would gladly line up before the seductress and willingly sacrifice their livelihood without hesitation. Many, will leave their own men behind when chasing the bearers of beauty. Many failures are wrought through such acts of 'hos before bros'. I've heard enough stories of brothers doing the deed of getting another brother to meet with a beautiful lady, so that they might get acquainted; only to be left and ignored during the fateful meetup. Men, and their lack of self-admiration and self-blessing have now passed the torch of masculinity into the hands of the unwilling women. They've lost it. I'm sick of seeing them act this way, I for one should know; for I've acted that way before. The thing with men is this: We will never listen until it is us who are now left rotting in the ditch by our own carelessness and self-curse of passionately sacrificing all for superficial beauty. That's why most of us will never interrupt when we witness a Nice Guy doing his thing. We know where he will end up, yet we know he will never listen until it is too late. Such is a man's ego, if only we observe and learn how the womenfolk provide counsel to their women in making.
They said never to do something in private that you will never admit in public. Sounds fair enough, such a way to conduct your life will result in a most integrated individual. Comfortable with their personality, talents, preferences, strengths, weaknesses, sexuality, and much more. And most importantly not finding the need to conceal who they truly are. A grand challenge, to which I realize as a man in such a pursuit, it is a blessing. Since most of us are able to stand alone, and to perish alone. The thought of admitting wholeheartedly who we are as men regardless of what others say we should be is not such a terrifying suggestion when compared to the more socially-reliant ladies. In no way am I saying they are inferior, I'm just merely saying that they need social support much more than men; as they have been since time immemorial. A lady alone will perish faster than a man who stands alone.
So next. Next is the word. Who is and what is, next? -I truly wonder. But my intuition tells me that so long as I pursue my calling in life, my other half will show up. And it is there that I can possibly think about finding her at all. It must be when I'm on my own solitary journey, never as a group support role. It is when I'm a leader that she will reveal herself. I pray that my intuition will prove itself right in time.
The word crafting has evoked interest in me. As I realize I'm not actually adapting virtue as a practice, but I am very much in the act of crafting a virtue that will fit me well for time to come. Crafting a system that works best for me, crafting a boat that will carry me through the turbulent waves of life in the coming years. Crafting is the word.
Enough babbling for now, I must get back to reading. I very much enjoy solitude nowadays, as I get to reflect on the day's work as well as to enjoy plainly my very own companionship. For no one understands me like I do. So I throw my arms around my shoulder everyday and pull myself ever closer at the end of day, and say out loud; with exuberance. -"A job well done today, Carson!"
To life. Carpe diem.
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