What If.

What if I was already a father today? Good heavens. I would give up so many unproductive activities. This mindset-shift alone shook me up real good. What would a father do? -Certainly not be blogging about this.

I realized after trying to make a relationship work so badly, that at the very core; I was not a man yet. I was not ready. That hit me very-very hard emotionally, physically, and mentally. I was beaten and bruised from the inside out. A truly enlightening experience, and all that I did out of good intentions turned out to be manipulative acts I forged since young. Bummer.

The events that followed were profound though, and somewhat woo-woo in many ways. Simply because when someone tells me they are 'working on themselves' and are 'studying about relationships', it comes off as 'I'm so messed up that I need external materials to find answers.' That was my ego speaking. Little did I know, just within this year alone I have went through countless books, audio programs, video programs, and self-study to better handle these parts of my life. And it scares me really, to come to realize just how little I know about all these. What adds to that is the compulsory steps of MAKING MISTAKES out in the battlefield of life. -Of course we don't have to learn from every mistake ourselves. Thank the gods for that. But the premise of having to face the reality that I will be making quite a reasonable amount of mistakes make me anxious. Yet, the comforting fact remains that I am never alone. Out there, there are millions more making mistakes and getting shook up by the consequences of not knowing any better.

I mean, the last relationship I had were pebbled with mistakes here and there. Not that I would have done any different in those situations, as that was where I was at in life. I only knew so much. But the consequences that followed were intense, to say the least. The main point is the recovery period, that's the thing that everyone will have to go through after making mistakes despite their bestesterest efforts. I'm still recovering until today, slowly but surely.

A few months ago, I read about an entrepreneur's experience of losing a business, and a relationship. It took him almost 2 years to recover fully. 2 years just to collect the pieces. But, on the bright side, he came back stronger than he thought he could. And he made a success thereafter.

Life's not all sunshine and rainbows, that's a given. So as I inch forward with faith that for every inch I trudge, there will be a sure reward from within. That's all I ask for. I have always believed that the mind is like a grand hotel filled with hundreds and hundreds of rooms, and in each of this rooms lie a truth that will serve you for life. The question is how high in that tower dare you venture to and unlock? It will take a lifetime to only reach only so far.

I'm not afraid of failure, I'm however, VERY F*CKING AFRAID OF ADMITTING DEFEAT AND SETTLING. That thought is perhaps my biggest fear now, in this very phase of my life.

I'm a sore loser in that sense. After all, plane fly against the resistance of wind. As much as I feel discouraged, I have to move on with this sense of uncertainty in my gut. It's the proverbial uphill climb, that's when you gotta floor that baby.

Carpe Diem.