Some learn early in life that feelings are to be put aside, for there is a sure duty to be carried out. This, I have observed in men of success in life. Their wayward actions will confuse most people, especially mercilessly upon the young and uninitiated. But how else can the young and uninitiated find out about becoming something of a man of vertebrate? Must it only be through personal trials and tribulations? While there is a part of me that wishes to doubt so, we have to inevitably face it and face it well enough. No man can escape these opportunities to prove one's manhood.
So almost gone is 2011, I've been 'dying' for almost 12 months now. Let's not paint a pretty face upon the lost time that has been granted and used up, whether wisely or imprudently. For the most part of a man's death is with the days that have expired. Every day begins a new, and by day's end a man has died a death of that day. As Seneca eloquently puts it in inquiry,
"What man understands that he is dying daily?"As 2012 inches forward, there is a part of me that is wanting to break free from self-imposed tortures and vices. Most of which are developed out of the need to remedy some form of emotional pain in a childish manner, a quick-fix if you will. The better part of me knows that this is no way to live into 2012.
I wish to begin anew and make this journey with that part of me, and set aside all vices and begin a life of honor and self-integrity. One where I will be able to hold up to men and women alike and speak of truly what I am, and how I am without having the need to compare or become evasive about certain life topics.
And with that in mind, I have set aside some precious and much needed time to create a year-in-review 'naughty list'. A list of the things that I indulge in, at the expense of my livelihood as a man to be. A list comprised of immature ways and childish thoughts. A list to be conquered one after another as I forge ahead.
With every day I spend with my closest friends, I come to recognize that I am no longer like them. In fact, I never have been. But out of my need for approval I have hidden and put on social masks to better manipulate them and unknowingly, myself. I am never the same as them, and never will be, I am myself. I have my own rules, and they need not play by it; only I have to. Thank the heavens that this life is unfair, otherwise we would all look average, live average, and think average. What then is there to life, but procreation and death?
Of course, when I signed up to be human; I have also signed a waiver that states that my immunity to emotions, be it considered socially good or bad; will be given up at birth into this humanly plane. I'm as vulnerable as a man can get when it comes to facing overwhelming emotions triggered by beauty, success, freedom, and money. I want someone bad, I want some things bad. So bad that I feel a great sense of wanting that can drive me up the heavens and back. I must have it, or I would die an unsatisfied man. A man with dead eyes opened, unwilling to leave.
But to have such pleasures and accomplishment, I must given up a gamut of vices and lifestyle practices that I so well find myself in. Will it be challenging, as sure as the sun will set. I wish to look back to January 2012 from the Christmas of 2012, and stand proud knowing I have indeed came the farthest I could; and have come ever closer to realizing my dreams and aspirations of becoming the man capable of beauty, material achievements, and freedom of success. I wish to be first unfettered by the shackles created in my mind, and set them onto paper with ink; and see for once, my beliefs in the open. Realize that I am no better nor worse, but I am only human. And a born male at that, and I must conquer myself before conquering all before me through assertive and self-reliant action.
So set forth, the plannings for 2012. A grand and seemingly insurmountable battle of doing what's right vs. what's emotionally right. With that, Carpe Diem.
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