Be forewarned, this post is as raw as it can get.
-It's amazing what can happen in a shot span shy of one year.
The things I chose to ignore to keep my post-breakup pain at bay, but eventually have to go through alone. A true journey towards maturation in understanding myself, and as a result the people around me.
Finally, I've heard of what has transpired in the months that followed after my breakup. I admit openly here that it's lame to be talking about this, especially after it's been over for so long. Perhaps these inevitable turn of events are a way I shall see a slow but sure closure to this chapter in my life. It's a pleasant surprise to know that it actually takes me this long to get over a bad first breakup with a superficially beautiful lady.
It's good to know I can trust myself to handle listening to what others around me considers a hard pill for me to swallow when it comes to the news of my past love. I'm glad there are brothers out there who would hold not honest words from me, and trust that I can better handle such news. I appreciate your honesty.
It's amazing how we pardon superficially good looking people and their misbehavior. This is especially true for me, I took a bucket load of BS thinking that my ideals of my past love was of just reason. As events would unfold, I did indeed place her on a very pristine pedestal. And like many who worship idols only to find out they too are flawed deities, disappointment eventually followed. Always remember, whatever one despise in others does not mean that they will not eventually commit and become. This is true at least from my personal observation.
The topic of being shallow has been explored by many people throughout the ages. I can see and understand now why the wise have always advice against judging a book by its cover. For I did, and I sure as heck hoped prayed the content would be as beautiful as the cover. As human as we are, we have flaws. But what surprised me the most was that she would commit such an act border lining at hypocrisy. But who am I to hold it against her, for I myself lacked the better judgement of having noticed earlier. I feel sad for her, and surprisingly for myself as well for having put myself through much unnecessary suffering to trust in the good side of her. Perhaps, the most accurate way is to say that I have selfishly projected my ideals of her onto her. Ideals. What a tricky thing to avoid having.
And to drop my principles and give in to superficial temptations remains an ever tempting preposition. Would I not think twice before I get sexually intimate with a beautiful lady? -I would, but would my gentleman side of knowing honor and integrity be strong enough to hold such sexual vices and passion for beauty back when the time comes? Especially if I know she is cheating on his man? -I truly wonder. For I know of a thousand men who will readily bed a beautiful lady who already has a man when the opportunity arises, but I know not of a true gentleman yet who would deny such act from transpiring before him. And to hold himself highly to have self-deprived himself of such passionate but morally-unsound acts.
To be honest, I feel a mix of disappointment and surprise. I'm not sure how to put it in words, but it is a valid feeling to have. At the same time, I feel relieved. As if a heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders.
I'm no perfect person. In fact, I have a mountain of flaws to overcome in the coming years. I'm not saying I will never commit an equal act of sexual vices, only time will tell when the opportunity arises for me to deny my darker side of passionate vice.
It says a lot when someone can drop you like a rock into the depths. It says even more when someone would commit what they despised and judged in others.
If I could sum up what we are now as 'friends'. It would be this: It feels very much like talking to a brick wall. It's no surprise after I allowed her to compared me to the likes of the quote on quote 'pathetic guys' who was drooling all over her and wanted her sexually. Silly, how I allowed myself to march back there in such weak form only to be judged and penalized.
So the begging question is always this: Was all the pain and suffering worth it? -The answer is yes. We learn most through big failures and huge disappointments in life. I sure as hell suffered for a good length for more than 6 months. It was a fluctuating year. Happy, confused, sad. Happy again, and it keeps looping. All from this one experience, it's crazy. The dreams that I would have of her. Silly. But it happened.
And they tell me the easiest way to get over someone is to get a new girl. -Seriously? When I'm in this state? To use another lady as rebound would be most unruly of me. I have promised myself that I will deal with this through and through, using every gentleman cell in my body. If anything, the next lady in my life deserves the best possible version of me. I'm well on my way there. I will leave her happier than I have found her. -Of course I sincerely hope that I will not have to have to go through another unruly breakup. But a man has to do what a man's gotta do.
There is also another question that strikes excitement and fear in my heart: Will I ever find one better than her? -This excites me, but at the very same time it frightens me. They say once a man have tasted honey and the high life, it is quite unlikely for him to settle for less. And this is precisely what I'm going through now.
After all, she did love me madly for whatever length of time our expired relationship permitted. And to couple that with her good looks; a potent combination indeed. That was definitely a high point in my life, for that much I'm grateful to have had.
Turns out most superficially beautiful people will share similar vices, after all if one was born with such powers would it not be tempting to abuse them during the most opportune time? -It is human nature to do so, at least my reasoning tells me so. If I was a good looking lad, and girls are all throwing themselves at me. I would find it hard to not abuse such powers. But of course, at the very same time; I hope for the very best. That there is one who is internally as beautiful as she is superficially. I know she is out there somewhere, hoping for the very same qualities in a true gentleman who is morally as sound as his exterior good looks despite all the good looking men who have disappointed her in the past.
Nowadays, ladies do not seem to tickle my fancy anymore, perhaps one can argue that it is unjust for me to compare them to my past love; but I have to admit I'm quite a shallow fellow myself. I have an inclination for beautiful things. Otherwise I would not salivate over such artistic crafts like the Lamborghini Aventador. With that said; this much be true, my tolerance for superficial beauty have greatly increased to which point it is rather numbed. It will take a whole lot more than superficial beauty to intrigue me now. Which I take it for a very good thing, for beauty distracts from the real conversation.
To add to that, there is a saying that those who are born with beauty is like being born rich but getting poorer over time. And those who strive towards creating beauty in themselves age like fine wine. I sure hope my earnest conviction towards self-crafting will result in the best possible version of myself in the coming years.
I've also made it a point to remain single until I'm fully able on my own in all aspects of life. This way, I turn the tables on life itself. I determine what goes on, in, and out of my life. A worthy position to strive for. Of course, throughout these months there has been opportunities where ladies have expressed interest in me. As much as I feel excited by these opportunities, I know in honesty that this is just not the time for me to run amok in the field of flowers. That time will surely arrive in the very near future. Perhaps, by then I will meet the duplicate personalities of my past love. Then I hope I will have the wisdom to tell the difference, and the courage to do the right thing.
So in closing, I will type this much. When dealing with the matters of the heart, treat yourself as if you are the only person you are ever truly in love with and will readily sacrifice for. Because at the end of the day, your heart is in your chest for a good reason. It's for your own safe-keeping. Show your affection through your actions, never by placing your heart in the hands of another person. Never, for if you do; you have set in sure motion your very own downfall.
Carpe diem. There is much to be accomplished!
0 comments:
Post a Comment