reCycle

Redirected to Tumblr

2012-01-04T02:13:00.001-08:00

Recently, I have found Tumblr to fit my current lifestyle better. Elegant and easy to use.

See you there!

Self Hate Alchoholism

2012-01-03T05:35:00.001-08:00

You're either drunk, or sober. There's no gray zones with this one.

Carpe Diem.

What If.

2011-12-29T09:36:00.000-08:00

What if I was already a father today? Good heavens. I would give up so many unproductive activities. This mindset-shift alone shook me up real good. What would a father do? -Certainly not be blogging about this.

I realized after trying to make a relationship work so badly, that at the very core; I was not a man yet. I was not ready. That hit me very-very hard emotionally, physically, and mentally. I was beaten and bruised from the inside out. A truly enlightening experience, and all that I did out of good intentions turned out to be manipulative acts I forged since young. Bummer.

The events that followed were profound though, and somewhat woo-woo in many ways. Simply because when someone tells me they are 'working on themselves' and are 'studying about relationships', it comes off as 'I'm so messed up that I need external materials to find answers.' That was my ego speaking. Little did I know, just within this year alone I have went through countless books, audio programs, video programs, and self-study to better handle these parts of my life. And it scares me really, to come to realize just how little I know about all these. What adds to that is the compulsory steps of MAKING MISTAKES out in the battlefield of life. -Of course we don't have to learn from every mistake ourselves. Thank the gods for that. But the premise of having to face the reality that I will be making quite a reasonable amount of mistakes make me anxious. Yet, the comforting fact remains that I am never alone. Out there, there are millions more making mistakes and getting shook up by the consequences of not knowing any better.

I mean, the last relationship I had were pebbled with mistakes here and there. Not that I would have done any different in those situations, as that was where I was at in life. I only knew so much. But the consequences that followed were intense, to say the least. The main point is the recovery period, that's the thing that everyone will have to go through after making mistakes despite their bestesterest efforts. I'm still recovering until today, slowly but surely.

A few months ago, I read about an entrepreneur's experience of losing a business, and a relationship. It took him almost 2 years to recover fully. 2 years just to collect the pieces. But, on the bright side, he came back stronger than he thought he could. And he made a success thereafter.

Life's not all sunshine and rainbows, that's a given. So as I inch forward with faith that for every inch I trudge, there will be a sure reward from within. That's all I ask for. I have always believed that the mind is like a grand hotel filled with hundreds and hundreds of rooms, and in each of this rooms lie a truth that will serve you for life. The question is how high in that tower dare you venture to and unlock? It will take a lifetime to only reach only so far.

I'm not afraid of failure, I'm however, VERY F*CKING AFRAID OF ADMITTING DEFEAT AND SETTLING. That thought is perhaps my biggest fear now, in this very phase of my life.

I'm a sore loser in that sense. After all, plane fly against the resistance of wind. As much as I feel discouraged, I have to move on with this sense of uncertainty in my gut. It's the proverbial uphill climb, that's when you gotta floor that baby.

Carpe Diem.

Secret to Attracting A Total 10

2011-12-26T17:47:00.000-08:00

A total 10. She's on every man's mind, that very excellent version of a lady. Ladies, when guys say refer to a lady as a total 10; what it translate to lady language is this: "He's a keeper." So get that down, not every one of us are grading girls like sexual material.

So back to topic. Every man will at one point know of, or get personally acquainted with; a total 10. She's that beautiful, playful, sporting, intelligent, sharp, assertive, confident, and interestingly capable of cute things version of a lady. She is 80% of men's fantasy. In short, she's very-very desirable. Any man would give what it takes to just to *ahem* pardon my French, bed her. Sad but true fact.

The dirty secret to attracting a perfect 10 is this. Hard work. Sacrifice. Independence. Sensitivity. -That's right, you wanted to know the dirty techniques didn't you? Unfortunately if you want to be referred to as a keeper by a total 10. There is no shortcut to success in that sense. At all.

You can use techniques to mask your inadequacies, it will work; I promise you it will. But I will also tell you for certain that it will only last for only so long, before she lose all feelings for you when your mask begins to disintegrate before her. This I know for certain, after having fallen out of grace because I couldn't deliver in terms of Hard work. Sacrifice. Independence. Sensitivity.

Notice how these 4 blend into a manly-man's character. The only way to attract that total 10 is to become and be a man of such excellence that it seems to defy 80% of the male population's expectations. To which point, they exclaim among themselves: "How does he do it?!" Trust me, excellence isn't hard. It's keeping the excellence going that is the challenge.

Hard work: This is a prerequisite to everything that a manly-man does. This can be summed up to one saying: "If anything is worth doing, it is worth doing well." Even if it means cleaning the dishes. Do it well by all means. As "How one man deals with small matters reflect how he will deal with pressing issues." Watch yourself like you would demand from a worker in the future. "Never demand more from others than you would from yourself." -A man who demands more work from his employees but isn't willing to get into the ditch with them is no man at all.

So hard work coupled with that attitude of excellence is a must before all else.

Sacrifice: Too many people talk about achieving greatness without even considering the things they have to give up on. Albeit temporarily. How does one expect to lose weight when one is not willing to give up unregulated indulgence in food? Self-sabotage is not far away.

Write down on a piece of paper, the things you are willing to give up in order to gain excellence of character. The late nights, existing peers, the unhealthy masturbation with porn material, the unhealthy fantasizing of female acquaintances, and unhealthy mentality when it comes to achieving excellence. Give it all up, and stick with it. It will suck for the first few months, this much is certain. The anxiety of not knowing whether this lifestyle practice will pay off, and how it seems so lonely to be doing so.

But as with everything of prudence, it will prove to be beneficial soon enough. This much I am certain, even though it is still a very solitary journey for me so far.

Independence: This is a huge one for many. The ability to be free from dependence. This is the true mark of a self-made man. A person who goes out and gets what he sets his eyes and heart on, and makes happen what others tell him impossible. Independence not only covers self-reliance, it covers self-compassion too.

The times when people let you down, is the time for self-compassion to take its place. When people tell you that there is no place for you in excellence, you have to be the one that carry your beaten self up; and march forward even with a broken heart.

And when the whole world seems like a lonely place, you, yourself, have to be the one and only companion that will stand by you, and walk with you. Til death do selves part. Because at the very end of the day, "Do not expect others to stand by you, when you can't stand yourself." We rejoice in the company of happiness, not misery. Remember that every time you feel the blues. Find the incongruence within and attend to it immediately.

Sensitivity: This is one hard concept to grasp. I'm not talking about being a sensitive wussy. I mean it in the sense of being acute towards your surrounding and ultimately towards yourself. Look around you, what do you notice going on? Are your senses so dulled by your thoughts that you can't even marvel at the minute beauties going on around you?

I'm surprised how much details I missed just by being occupied with my thoughts. The little birds that perch on the branches of the tree right outside my window, the brief life that a butterfly has to partake in a flight that crossed path with me, and the little ants busy about their daily routine. These are all wonders at work. Yet we take them for granted, and complain about what we don't have. Silly. Learn how to be sensitive to details, this is a key characteristic of a manly-man.

Here's why I say it is so. Ever listen to a total 10 tell you how guys are dense? How they couldn't even notice what new earrings she put on? How they styled their hair different for a specific date? And how the guys themselves don't even pay attention to the way they dress? Or worse, groom those nose hair and eyebrows? All these are minute details, but to a total 10 who takes hours in a week to groom herself; she would love to see in a man who can potentially become her man.

So again, in short. The secret is no secret. If you want a perfect 10 in your life. Become an 11, or better a 15. Be so rare in the lot of men that you have unfair advantageS. With a capital S, for being superb. It's no easy task, but it's hella worth it. It was a blessing I was shortly romantically involved with one, for she has taught me too much to assimilate in that short period of time. But given the freedom to self-reflect, and self-direct now. It's truly a miracle.

Now that I've been with one, I must have another one; and she must be better if not of equal charisma. So 2012 will be marked with a lot of goals of Hard work, Sacrifice, Independence, and Sensitivity. How to make sure success is inevitable? Simple. By positioning yourself dead center in the pathway of success. That way the chances of missing you is minuscule.

To that. Carpe Diem.

What's Right VS What's Emotionally Right

2011-12-25T08:26:00.000-08:00

The grand struggle of doing what IS right vs. what is EMOTIONALLY right will remain ever present, and ever daunting. But what man has not been through such struggle throughout his life? -None.

Some learn early in life that feelings are to be put aside, for there is a sure duty to be carried out. This, I have observed in men of success in life. Their wayward actions will confuse most people, especially mercilessly upon the young and uninitiated. But how else can the young and uninitiated find out about becoming something of a man of vertebrate? Must it only be through personal trials and tribulations? While there is a part of me that wishes to doubt so, we have to inevitably face it and face it well enough. No man can escape these opportunities to prove one's manhood.

So almost gone is 2011, I've been 'dying' for almost 12 months now. Let's not paint a pretty face upon the lost time that has been granted and used up, whether wisely or imprudently. For the most part of a man's death is with the days that have expired. Every day begins a new, and by day's end a man has died a death of that day. As Seneca eloquently puts it in inquiry,

"What man understands that he is dying daily?"

As 2012 inches forward, there is a part of me that is wanting to break free from self-imposed tortures and vices. Most of which are developed out of the need to remedy some form of emotional pain in a childish manner, a quick-fix if you will. The better part of me knows that this is no way to live into 2012.

I wish to begin anew and make this journey with that part of me, and set aside all vices and begin a life of honor and self-integrity. One where I will be able to hold up to men and women alike and speak of truly what I am, and how I am without having the need to compare or become evasive about certain life topics.

And with that in mind, I have set aside some precious and much needed time to create a year-in-review 'naughty list'. A list of the things that I indulge in, at the expense of my livelihood as a man to be. A list comprised of immature ways and childish thoughts. A list to be conquered one after another as I forge ahead.

With every day I spend with my closest friends, I come to recognize that I am no longer like them. In fact, I never have been. But out of my need for approval I have hidden and put on social masks to better manipulate them and unknowingly, myself. I am never the same as them, and never will be, I am myself. I have my own rules, and they need not play by it; only I have to. Thank the heavens that this life is unfair, otherwise we would all look average, live average, and think average. What then is there to life, but procreation and death?

Of course, when I signed up to be human; I have also signed a waiver that states that my immunity to emotions, be it considered socially good or bad; will be given up at birth into this humanly plane. I'm as vulnerable as a man can get when it comes to facing overwhelming emotions triggered by beauty, success, freedom, and money. I want someone bad, I want some things bad. So bad that I feel a great sense of wanting that can drive me up the heavens and back. I must have it, or I would die an unsatisfied man. A man with dead eyes opened, unwilling to leave.

But to have such pleasures and accomplishment, I must given up a gamut of vices and lifestyle practices that I so well find myself in. Will it be challenging, as sure as the sun will set. I wish to look back to January 2012 from the Christmas of 2012, and stand proud knowing I have indeed came the farthest I could; and have come ever closer to realizing my dreams and aspirations of becoming the man capable of beauty, material achievements, and freedom of success. I wish to be first unfettered by the shackles created in my mind, and set them onto paper with ink; and see for once, my beliefs in the open. Realize that I am no better nor worse, but I am only human. And a born male at that, and I must conquer myself before conquering all before me through assertive and self-reliant action.

So set forth, the plannings for 2012. A grand and seemingly insurmountable battle of doing what's right vs. what's emotionally right. With that, Carpe Diem.

Drizzly Days

2011-12-23T00:28:00.000-08:00

As we draw close to the end of 2011, it's time for me to draw a final conclusion of what happened in my life.

To me, it is a year of massive personal growth as an individual maturing into adulthood; from boy to man. I'm still very much in the process as of now. The comforting fact is that I'm never alone in this rather confusing journey towards becoming a man. After having been through a rough relationship and being called a kid, I have made a solemn promise to myself that I will figure this out for good; and never allow myself the horrors and heartaches of letting another girl do such harm onto me. Trust, when men of past say never to wear your heart on your sleeve. I rest on the relief that I know better now.

To be honest with myself, I have loved her truly; and I still have positive feelings for her. It's a hard feeling to rid off, or put into words. And for that very same reason, I just cannot permit myself to run into her; if I had a choice in that matter of course. I prefer to stay away from her, with hopes that my feelings for her will simmer down and eventually fade off. I've learned that you can indeed love someone, but not be loved back. And it's okay, it's something personal and granted to the self. Furthermore, had I broken up with someone I'm done with; I'd really prefer not to run into them, in case of awkwardness. Especially if the girl still has feelings for me, for a more selfish reason I just do not want to deal with it. And I'm sure it's the same for her.

After all that I've heard, rumors being rumors; I feel disappointed with her, but at the same time I feel compassionate towards her; for all the confusion that she has to bear with and for all her actions that might have resulted from it. Of course men tell me that I can't control what a lady does, but I take it to myself that I have caused her to have taken that path out of the inclination caused by the confusion of emotions; which again is caused by the bad breakup. The bottom line is this, I still care enough to hate and feel positive feelings about her. At best, it's confusing. But it's better than to be thought of as a lint on the ground. Ignorance can kill.

Why not just forget her and move on? They ask me. Good question, and a rather valid one too. I tried. But which is worse? Denial? Or acceptance that I still have feelings for her? -I believe denial is the worst path I can choose. I would be lying to myself. What a way to break self-integrity.

Why not just get another girl and get it over with? They too ask of me. Another valid question. How can I pretend to like someone when I don't? Or how can I lie to myself and say that I will settle for less when I know I deserve the very best? -This does not make sense, thus I just can't commit such acts. Furthermore I do believe being a virgin dude has its value in today's 'I just wanna f*ck her brains out' male society. We'll see about this belief of mine. Considering that this belief also clashes with what many men have told me, that a boy will turn man once they have participated in coitus. Is that right? If taking a lady's virginity or ridding of one's own virginity means becoming a man, then why are there so many childish 'men' around?

I have a male acquaintance who have slept with 20 girls throughout his 26 years of existence. I don't see how he is more superior than I am, nor does he feel any more superior than me. We've talked about it, and so arrived at the conclusion that so long as a man can lead a life of virtue and that the lady of his desires thus chooses to stay by him and to die by him, then he is the superior man. Not the playboy who have slept with more women he can bother to count. With that said, to each his own. Some prefer quantity over quality, I myself prefer quality over quantity.

So I admit when it comes to my ex, that I still care about her and her family. I do miss all of them, especially her father. I'd give my all to learn from that great man. Unfortunately, the choices I have made in the past have led me here to take on this journey on my own; by my own means. Which isn't bad at all, considering the fact that this, in itself is a phase towards self-reliance. -I felt most relieved when I admitted to myself that I still care about her and her family, putting up a false front have led me only to exhaustion and frustration. I find it most comfortable living with myself when I'm honest to myself. This is a key lesson of 2011.

In my attempts to move on from the bad breakup, I've since done my very best to remove anything that could potentially remind me of the great times we had together. I'm not being bitter about it, do not misunderstand. It's hard enough to have to move forward having fallen out of grace with her, I'd like to be more compassionate towards myself by making this solitary journey easy on my soul. Rather, I'd love to think of it as self-deprivation from falling back into the idea of enjoying her company once more in my life. Whatever that isn't necessary I have removed from my living space. Some essential items can't be helped, so I've kept it close for practical usage.

To many guys and men out there have told me that they are lonely, and that they are still single and somewhat miserable this year; to which I'd say this much, while yes, you may be missing out on a lot of things that only loving couples can perform together. You all are better off forging a solitary path for yourself first. I had to learn it the hard way, and I sincerely wish this not on any living soul. Ah, the troubles and wounds of the heart. What confusion it makes for a person feeling it for the very first time.

Always have a personal base to fall back onto, this is another key lesson I've learned from that event. The day I was removed from her reality, I found myself heartbroken and confused outside my own apartment at the park with all my belongings; and one that is personally owned by me. Yet there I was without even the keys to the front door. What a ridiculous position I have allowed myself to be in. I won't say I proud of this, but I'm thankful to have learned this early this year than later in life.

The troubles began gradually the moment I allowed myself to shelter her in times of her desires when we were together, so much so that I've chosen to abandon myself and my family. So naturally, I've built a lifestyle around her and her family. So upon the abrupt end, at least for me; I was forced out of a routine and I found it most uncomfortable to even sleep in my own apartment. Just thinking back to those nights squeezes my heart a little. The sleepless nights and inevitable dreams of her.

For the better parts of the year, I've learned a great deal about manhood. It's amazing how many things I was clueless about when it came to transitioning into manhood. I've picked up countless materials dealing with male maturation from the Western world. Eben's materials have certainly given me a good start. Then there was the countless websites that I frequented during that painful period that gave answers and solutions. For what it's worth, I've invested thousands in those materials cumulatively. That and I've also learned how to better spend time with myself once more without feeling like I needed a girl to verify my existence. I figured if I was the girl I will love so madly, then I'd treat myself like a king; and all the negative talk should be advised against. And so it has.

I never thought I would feel this way, but throughout this year I've been having the inclination to leave home and stay by myself. It's odd for me to say this, because I've always fancied the idea of staying with my parents as I build my own family. I guess the old cliche rings true, there can only be one leader at home. And that is the reason I have such inclinations to begin with. As I begin to set rules for my own life, I find that it clashes with that of my father's; which can't be helped since I'm transitioning into self-reliance and away from his system of sustenance. Of course, I'm ever so grateful for a free car. That has proven to be of tremendous help in this transition process.

As for financial matters, I have to admit that I still have a fair distance to travel. I have set goals for myself, only to arrive short of them this year. Nevertheless, I've managed to save up a fair bit. It's not much, but it will do for starters. Half of what I spend on are necessities, while the better rest of it is spent on bringing my ideas to life. Then of course, to keep my sanity I do indulge in rewarding myself with the likes of an Instax camera, a Yamaha keyboard, and some decant perfume vials. Not to mention, my latest favorite; Grandpa's Pine Tar Soap. And yes, even soaps are counted as a worthy reward!

Conclusively speaking, I've busied myself with thoughts of multiplying money creatively once more. For that matter, I find myself most alive.

Then there is the physical business, I have been working out regularly since June. Seems like I still can't put on much weight, since I have yet to increase my intake. Nevertheless I have gained strength and more upper body mass. 200 Charles Atlas dips is staple these days, and I intend to keep this practice until I expire through time. So for physical goals, this year has proven fruitful.

So what of career? To be honest, I'm quite done with the CG industry as a technician. Indulging in game and game design tends to remind me of the rough times with my ex, and it has proven to be a great source of anxiety; as it was justly proven after the breakup during my bouts of anxiety attacks while at work in a game company. Those days were dark, I can barely focus without feeling the ghastly heartaches. So I've since left the industry and head down the path of an educator. I focus on attitude, and mindset more on technicalities as I realized at the end of the day, it's all about attitude and how one sees the world; whether it is a friendly place, or a scary place. My only humble hope is to have imparted the optimistic and self-reliant attitude to my students.

I'm beginning to look towards serving humanity as a career choice. I'm most interested in serving people in different arenas. It makes me come alive to ponder the possibilities of what can be should I step in. Why fight with all the rest of the artists? When I could better help them collaborate? -This has always been my belief, and rightly so that I will pursue this calling for the better years to come following 2012!

That's that. With concerns to the matters of the heart, I only hope for the best while I hustle as best as I could. I know I deserve better, and I deserve the best by my side. For that I need not fear, as men will forever gravitate towards which they secretly love most.

To life. Carpe diem.

I Would Have Been That Carson

2011-12-19T10:20:00.000-08:00

So it turns out many know me. In a way I've made a name for myself whether through art or by having been acquainted with someone very popular. I was always aware how people stalk popular peoples' blogs and Facebook accounts, but I would never have expected that people will also make me a topic to be had.

I reckon it is a good thing nonetheless. Truth is, I would have been that Carson 2 years back without much improvement had I so chose to tread along the edge of people's approval. I like the me now, but at the same time I miss the good times I had when I was the old me. That naive, friendly, peaceful, and just agreeable person. The Nice Guy side of me to be specific.

But how can a Nice Guy possibly build a life of vertebrate when his philosophy is basically only sufficient for living within the approval zones set by others around him? Chances are slim to none.

Shrug my shoulders and march on. It's silly to even feel that desire to protect those who wish not to be protected by me. Ah well, reality is as such aye. To each his own.

Some days, I really think about my ex. I wonder if she is doing okay. Then I blow it off and tell myself that I've got to worry about my own life first. Forget hers.

Anyways, I finally met with my partner's friend. Had a quick critique about our project and something truly peculiar happened while I was there. Her shyest cat came up to me and presented herself and kept looking at me, apparently it does not happen with other strangers. This reminded me of the time I was at Jarold's house, and his shyest cat would come to me. -Which begs the question, what am I doing in the feline world that I can attract the shyest cats? To which, she also added that she had a slut cat that totally ignored me. Which was pleasant to know. Which I'd love to think as MILFs in real life avoiding me, lol!

I might get myself a cat after all. We'll see.

Greeted By Smiles

2011-12-18T09:53:00.000-08:00

There is nothing sweeter in the world than to be greeted by smiles. Yesterday was definitely a good day, as is every other day.

I'm most impressed with this year's Comic Fiesta. They have outdone themselves once more, and I look forward to the upcoming one in 2012. Happy for my ex's booth, they managed to sell out the calendars and cookies; and for a very good reason; novelty among the mundane. This technique is timeless, and will continue to serve humanity for many ages to come.

I was privileged enough to be awarded a free copy of Jarold's sculpting book, and I'm very delighted that he is happy with my referral's print quality. I myself look forward to strike a deal pretty soon with my contact in the coming months.

As for my plans, they are progressing slowly but surely. Finally had my latest meeting with my business partner to cover new grounds on what's next and what we can improve prior to meeting up with more collaborators which we are opened to absorb as co-founders. I'm not big on playing this ownership title thingie, so the more the merrier; so long as me and my partner holds the final call on making decisions. To which point in the near future, we will release this power to someone who is much better at making creative decisions. Hiring people who are 5x better than us is definitely a high priority for us. We are just the people with the vision after all, we shall reward the pleasure of doing to those most suited for the selected tasks.

That's pretty much of late, things are definitely on the move. Life waits for no man.

Carpe diem.

Living The Consequences

2011-12-15T20:33:00.000-08:00

I do believe in karma, not in a woo-woo way that dates all the way back to a few lifetimes. But in a way that any action that I have made in this lifetime will somehow have its consequences come around and cross path with me once more.

I have no idea what is this odd feeling of not being able to live exuberantly anymore is, it's always fluctuating. Some days I feel stuck, as if I can't break past this plateau feeling. I feel like my growth is stunted. To make things worse, I'm doing this on my own. Then some days I feel alive, as if I was able to recapture that lost feeling of living passionately again. Then it's gone again. Elusive. If there was a way to perfectly describe this feeling, it's the same as listening to a nice song today; but within days I begin having the urge to move ahead otherwise there will be a ghastly feeling that I'm stuck in the past. And for the past 11 months, I've never had a song that I liked anymore. Even the timeless song that I loved so much is another reminder of an unpleasant past. The results of having lived like a doormat haunts me daily.

Everything now just don't seem to interest me, even the things I'm good at; I feel so unimpressed by it. But I know I'm good at that, so I'll do that. That's the best I can do for now. Until other things should transpire after.

I consider myself to have little friends, I realized that this too is my own doing as I chose to drop my friends like a rock when I was romantically involved with my ex. Oh, what an immature decision. Obviously now as I waltz back into my friends' lives, there is a natural gap to fill. I'm so far gone down the wrong road that now the journey back is a very solitary and personal atonement journey. There's no doubt about it. It sucks, but it has to be done sooner or later.

I've never spent so much alone time before in my life, sometimes I realize that this was what Andrew must have went through when he had to face his family problems, and then later his ex cheating on him. No one is there to help him but himself. Ultimately, it's a personal and solitary journey. I supposed that what made him so quiet and personal. Some days, I realized there is not much to reveal about my life. As it only concerns me. Sounds cynical, but the fact remains that even verbal leaks can have its own karmic redemption. Zip-zip is always first policy, listen more than you should even consider talking.

So what can I do? What's the solution? Keep drudging ahead, and trust in doing the right thing. No matter how low it feels.

Of course, with the comfort of a true friend; I can share these burdening thoughts with. But again, this is mine to bear and as much as it sounds nutty to say this. It's an honor to be able to go through this, because at the end of this phase is the reward of having proven myself worthy of handling such a mentally-burdening phase.

Let not my spirits be dulled, but tempered in the coming days as we near the end of 2011. Carpe diem.

Self-Pampering vs Self-Deprivation

2011-12-15T06:41:00.000-08:00

"If you don't love yourself, ain't nobody gonna love you." - 50 Cent.

The concept of self-blessing and self-appreciation is key to success in life, but at the same time it is also key to self-deprive of certain pleasures for the moment. Do I really need it? -I don't see why I need to spend money on myself just yet. No doubt I can use a few spare and spanking new shoes and updated wardrobe pieces, but I usually change my mind when I'm at the mall because I know the money can better be spent on creating more money.

I've always fancied the idea of spending on a huge budget 2 times yearly. That would be fun. The idea of shopping to my heart's content and getting bespoke wardrobe pieces blows my mind. It's either I hold back from buying now, or that. I chose the latter. What's the point of buying one shoes for RM300 when that's all I could afford now? I'll be wearing a worn out pants, worn out shirt, with a spanking new shoe. Doesn't tally up.

Mind as well go big or go home.

But with that said, self-pampering is still a must. In the internal form that is. A very vital practice, much like showering daily. Working out the muscle is a must daily, also with positive self-talk. Even when things seem gloom and doom, a quick "I'm okay, I'm good. I can handle this." will suffice.

I will work hard and play hard, as always. I intend to spend like a self-made man, and work hard like a self-made man. Self-depriving from material desires will have to do for now. So many cool things I wish to shower myself with, but they all cost 4x of what I usually would invest in.

Money, and all it's freedom. I shall bless myself with the pleasure of making more.

Like Felix Dennis said, money has a funny deodorizing effect to it. Ugly? Rude? No problem, shower up with some money, and somehow people will still gravitate to you. Of course, I would not want to cultivate such unhealthy practices.

I'd love to be that rich self-made multi-millionaire who jokes around and plays dead serious once in a while in the middle of a conversation. All for good fun!

Carpe diem.

Doldrums Of Process

2011-12-14T00:30:00.000-08:00

Doldrums of process, what could I possibly mean by that? -To me, it's the 'activity' of an activity. Paradoxical statement, I know.

But throughout these months of creating something new, I've come to realize that sometimes the repetition of a certain routine tends to create an illusion of seemingly going nowhere. In other words, boredom of routine sets in. It becomes a mundane activity that once was fueled with enthusiasm. To add to that, I'm beginning to distant myself from the very hands-on creative phase of what I do as an artist as I begin looking the bigger picture of the CG industry and figuring out how to better play a part in putting everyone together.

I'm quite done with playing the individual artist, it has been almost a year I've been trying to set some ideas into motion. Hopefully by doing so I can creat a platform where artists get to express their creative ideas on. My approach remains as simple and 'dumb' as it can ever get. -Why fight among the sharks in an ocean that is blood red? The million dollar question is this: How do we play the ocean instead? -The price to pay? I will have to give up doing something cool to do the mundane side of piecing everything together. Also, along with that would be to give up the artist title and accept the title of an entrepreneur. Which most artists perceive as a corporate zombie who only hungers for profit. I will bear with that.

It's no wonder everybody wants to make something cool as an artist, the process and results are fun! People get wow'd, and people admire your talent. Compliments fly, that's why artists get hooked onto it. But who is going to create the canvases, the paint brushes, and colors? -That's boring. No one cares, at least not the unconscious ones. Someone's gotta clean the sh*t up, so that the city won't stink. Someone's gotta do the dirty jobs.

And by this metaphorical representation of mundane process, I have stood by and persevere. It's boring. All the running around. The self-discipline to get to the printing central in the city. The inevitable spending invested into prototype after prototype. All in hopes that this idea will carry through and make a success of itself through whatever effort I can muster in. I know where I want to be, consciously. But I'm still not very convinced when I lay in bed every night. As my mind drift towards wanting a female companion. It's stupid, because I know I will not be able to attract a female companion for life if I can't put together my own life first. Undoubtedly, as you can probably imagine this process is a very solitary one. That's why the inner struggle as I lay in bed each night. Even this, I will have to bear with it for as long as it takes me to put my own life together. Fully.

I'm not particularly hard to please, in fact I find myself satisfied with simple pleasures. Do not be mistaken, as by simple pleasures I mean by indulging myself in the company of sports cars, learning one thing and one thing only without ever having to worry about money. Which, to most is a dream of a rich man. And yes, I want to be wealthy in mind, body, soul, and material. There is definitely no mistake about that.

There is however one very certain thing about me, I want freedom. In fact, I NEED it. Without it I would go insane, and perhaps end my life willingly. For what is life when one does not have the very freedom to run, jump, and be amazed at the sheer genius of nature's greatest gift, the human body? Along with that also will be the freedom to create things so great that even leaders of men would cease for a moment and allow a second of wonderment to overcome them. Walt Disney sure did that well. I'm bored out of my mind with the things people created, I want to scale castles, run in a dragon park, and workout in a fantasy-themed workout park. I want to wear armor and train with men in a fitness park guarded by iron-clad guards. These, I wish to see in Malaysia instead of all the boring mimicry of Western architectures like the ones we have in Cyber/Putrajaya. If one thing, Malaysia is blessed with resources. Sad that it is misused often.

So this doldrums of process, the seemingly empty feeling as you continue on this ever lonesome journey towards a destination of choice. It seems to linger on for months, if not weeks. This dull feeling of knowing there is much to be done, but at the very same time having to exercise the self-discipline to not allow these things to overwhelm me. Bite-size, I tell myself. Bite-size.

If I intend to build a castle, it has to start with a plan, the first brick, and a whole lot of nerve to persevere for years while others seemingly get higher pay, get promoted, get laid, and get married. All these things have plagued my mind as I forge ahead, but again this burning question remains... Who will pick up the pieces that are you when sh*t hits the fan? So should I care about what others think and do? When put into such a context, it doesn't matter anymore. Compassion starts with self.

So as this year comes to a close, I have come to realized that I've been quite alone since my breakup. No doubt there is an urge to quickly fill that gap, but as I look in the mirror once more I realized I'm not the best I can be yet. So I will have to wait.

In fact, I have a very strong urge to stay away from my family. As I have realized that I grow most when left alone, for there is an opportunity to take care of all that is in my life by only relying on myself. Mostly, it's the quiet times that I really enjoy. No external noises, no one telling me how I should run my life, and no one but myself to rely on.

Process. Process. Process. No matter how mundane it gets. From passion to feeling dead, that happened so quickly that I can barely recall how it feels like to feel such intense passion for something I did back then as a passionate artist. Frankly, I've lost it. I just do what is right, and what must be done nowadays. Duty is what they call this.

Often times, I feel like I'm self-coaching. I muster up my will power and walk to a nearby park where I have been training parkour fundamentals. I do things quite alone nowadays since I realized that most of my peers only say that they want to train, but their actions speak otherwise. I workout consistently every single day just so I won't let myself down. Even when I tore a tendon, I still pushed ahead. No excuses = no excuses.

This post is everywhere I realized lol, as I'm typing wherever my thoughts take me.

Come to think of it, throughout this 11 months I've been growing a fair bit. No doubt I'm still a clumsy lad from time to time. But I realized how far I'm crawled since January. It's not a pretty process, but I made progress. I have since graduated from hoarding toys and collectibles, gave up on spending on luxury items, invested in educational material monthly, and ultimately saving whatever little I could. Not to mention, I've been servicing a housing loan for a year + now. That's pretty cool come to think of it. Hopefully in a decade's time I will realize that it is indeed a good move, despite all the complications it caused me.

No doubt when compared to those born with a golden spoon, I have close to nothing in material. But when seen from a context of a self-made individual, I'm inching slowly but surely. I only hope that for whatever 6 years I've spent after coming to West MY will payoff in the coming 2 years as I beat my own path in life. By my own hands and what is given to me.

I must end this hear and head out to the park again. Cheerios. What man does not know that he is dying daily, aye?

Friends? Or ready foes?

2011-12-12T18:46:00.000-08:00

I'm getting very comfortable with spilling my thoughts here in my blog, as I realized I have very little friends who I can count on when it comes to sharing open thoughts. So here goes.

It's surprising the rumors I'm hearing just in December alone. 11 months before this, I heard nothing, perhaps because I was busying myself with the betterment of my life. I refer to that period as the 'Carson went missing' period. Everyone was asking everyone else where I have gone to, what I was up to, how I was doing. -Only I know.

Rumors. It is trap for fools. For a person lacking of a better consideration might just fall prey to it and gulp it all up. I for one have heard countless rumors in Dec alone, that it surprises me I have missed out on that much of how things have transpired as I forged ahead. Further thought proves that it does not benefit me anyways.

But nevertheless, an interesting point has risen from the depths of such rumors about an opportunistic 'friend'. Or should I say, I have never considered any such individual to be worthy as my friend to begin with. Perhaps, that is why he was ready to pounce on an opportunity should it readily arise. Again, I have missed all the cues that was screaming at me that he, too, was somewhat of a man who knows little honor. But who am I to point fingers, perhaps the disappointment in me knows so. To me, it remains as a dishonorable act.

I have only myself to bear these consequences, for had I been a man back then. The other men would not have such dark thoughts populating their minds and permitting such fantasies to exist while I was still courting my then love. To have had a tempered character would have avoided any such 'chinks' in my armor for other men to criticize about. Now that I have officially fallen out of grace for almost a year, these men; be it friends or foes are readily lining up along with the rest of the men to pursue her interest. It's amazing to see how a beautiful lady can draw in so many men in one line. this much be true in my personal observation, it is either through trails and tribulations that men gather, or flock together in attempts to win over the bearer of beauty; at which point, things get ugly as they dish out dirty tactics to win her over. Blood will flow when beauty is fought over. And a brief look down the line has revealed that there are indeed familiar faces in pursuit of her companionship. Chopping block I say.

I hold true to my policy of 'no-chasing'. Let the girls come to you instead, for then the decision has already been made. Then a man's job is to provide her the emotional, physical, and spiritual support that she may seek out for. Also, to add to that, financial support.

So what earlier cues did I miss? First one was when my opportunistic friend spoke nonchalantly about how "Other guys were just waiting for you both to breakup wan lah! They are all waiting to get her." and this was when I came to him for comfort after that fateful parting. Little did I know back then, he was also referring to himself. It's not surprising though, that he mentioned he would readily bed a lady with a man should the they both 'feel' right during the moment as well. This spoke volumes, but I missed it again, it's funny how I chose to see what I wanted to see back then. And I again missed how he was readily available to meet up and comfort my ex upon breakup. Odd how I was blind not to see all these events transpiring.

To add to that, my ex was hospitalized for a brief night after her food poisoning affair, when we talked on the phone; I expressed genuine concern as best to my capabilities as a heart-broken individual could, only to be greeted by, "Even XYZ was more concern about my well-being than you are. You didn't even ask if I was okay..." -Now that I think of it, only one word surfaced in my mind: wow... -That was when I learned the hard lesson that, when you are f**ked; you only have yourself to look after yourself.

Normally, such rumors would drive me up the wall. But I realize when I look at things objectively, they are no friends to be acquainted with. Why should I waste anymore time than necessary when extracting a lesson out? It's sad to know that I once were good friends with them, and how we were close for whatever brief period the Gods so gracefully permitted. Infidelity, shallowness, backstabbing, comparison, judgement, lack of compassion, and just down right weaknesses in men have plagued the fortresses of my mind for months. Who knew dating and parting with a beautiful lady would stir up so much inner-turmoil? Now I know better. And in preparation I truly am.

Then came another friend, who during his rough period with his current lady; somehow acquainted himself with another lady whose main attraction was also her looks. And as things would transpire, my friend would end things with her as it did not work out and he eventually got back with his lady. To my best of knowledge, he has confessed that he did not even reach the point of holding hands. But as a rejected lady would potentially do, gossips flew; and it made it seem like he slept with her and ran away. That alone created a horde of angry girls and even, not surprisingly, adults who participated in this childish backstabbing drama.

The moral of the story remains as such, that a man should always be very discerning as to who they readily let their guards down in the name of love or friendship. For in every instances in life, there comes an opportunity where a friend might turn foe, and your most intimate details will end up in the wrong ears. I now observe why men are always individuals of little words, even with their wives. For they realized early on, be it through a painful personal experience, or through the guidance of elder men; that any burden worthy of a man will be borne to the fullest without a single word of complain. It has to be taken to the grave, should the burden prove to be that daunting.

It has been a grand challenge for me to be able to stand alone for this year, especially after having been conditioned by my weaker self to always seek approval from others. If there is one thing, despite the rumors I still hope for the best in people around me; but I will be more careful now as to read the yellow and read flags they readily put up unconsciously to tell me who they will become should opportunities permit. I also hope that by the end of this first self-reliance forging phase that I will be able to bond again with strangers on a more intimate level aside from just treating them as acquaintances.

Well, can't rush a healing wound to the heart. It will when it's healed.

As woo-woo as it sounds, the best friend you can ever have and learn how to count on is still yourself. You are married to yourself, for life. Since birth, so make it work!

Hungry.

Passion vs Self-Discipline

2011-12-11T22:44:00.000-08:00

I admit.

I made decisions based on passion 2 years ago, and it led me to a whole lot of suffering. I based my decisions on what feels right, what feels good, and what feels just. Not what IS right, what IS good, and what IS just.

This resulted in a lot of negative side-effects in my career, relationships, and most importantly my relationship with my own self.

Passion. Passion is an emotionally-driven word. Passion is vaguely described as feeling strongly about someone or something. Some say passion is key to success. To which I say, to each his own. To me, anything that is emotionally-driven is fundamentally flawed when it comes to attaining durable self-success. And my point being that if something is indeed heavily emotionally-driven, that at some point; emotions WILL run wild. Emotions fluctuate from time to time, that's why relationships is like a warm fire, that when not stoked from time to time will eventually die out.

So can someone pursue a so-called 'calling in life' and lay its fruition onto this very word, Passion? I doubt so. In my humble opinion, I believe high achievers have mistaken self-discipline for passion. And in doing so, have spread a false gospel unknowingly.

Self-discipline encompasses every single act in a person's life. Think about it, observe it in action. A mere act of brushing your teeth upon rising is no passionate act, it is a habit forged through an early act of self-discipline guided by our guardians. Understand that by the end of brushing and grooming oneself, you feel good; hence you feel passionate towards yourself as a confident and able individual. Results eventually lead you by the heart and passion sets in. You become passionate in keeping yourself highly.

Observe also how a high achiever goes about crafting new products and services, time and time again the product speaks for itself the self-discipline put into the attention to intricate details during the process of creation. Anyone can readily say that it is passion driving such acts, but such 'passion' was created through a conscious and purposeful act of self-discipline. The self-discipline to say to oneself during the act of crafting, that it is never good enough; and that just 3 hours more after thinking it is done will always suffice.

What will passion be without self-discipline? Fluctuating states, inconsistencies, and ultimately a very frustrated person who wonders why he/she cannot see the results they want in the long-term. It all boils down to self-discipline.

The self-discipline to say no to one's vices. the self-discipline to say yes to working out when one is tired out of their human mind. And the self-discipline to say I can wait when temptations comes in all its guises to lure one off from their intended path.

It's all self-discipline loosely described as passion.

I have learned of this through personal experience, and enough in these crazy months to say that self-discipline will beat passion to its knees and then reforms it into one that eventually becomes a companion in ALL that we do. And how it is finally described as 'A passion for living." Not as "I'm very passionate about food." only.

To life. Carpe Diem.

2011-12-11T02:48:00.000-08:00

As time darts by while I busy myself with the thoughts of yesterday, I realized it was never worth it to have striven that far with someone who readily admitted that she will be the first to commit acts of infidelity before I will even consider such acts. How did I miss that? -I must have set myself in denial. Some call it faith, I realized I might have mistaken blind faith with faith itself. I chose to believe in the good in her, when even she thought was not to be found in the first place. Oddly, I missed this subtle but vital cue. Not to mention all the countless times I was made as a comparison to all her gamut of men of the past. How did I miss that, or should I say, allowed that to persist til late? Only I can answer to that, and frankly I chose to put up with that than to confront such acts. Too nice, they call it. I'd say I'm probably the nicesterest guy you will ever meet 2 years back. Word for word. Call foul, and I will stoop even if it's clearly not my fault to begin with. I chose cowardice over confrontation. That remains a black mark in my timeline as a person.

Also, something interesting is this 'get it over with' mentality. It is another interesting topic of late. I've been pondering the possibilities of getting my life sorted out 'fast'. To be specific, in getting a girl and getting it over with. Unfortunately, I just can't see myself doing such things just to get things over with. It's a cheap shot, but it will hit nonetheless. The burning question is would I do such a thing? And agree to have such a thing done to me? -Not at all. So I ceased such thoughts. Patience is indeed a virtue.

It's eye-opening to see for real now how most ideal ladies I lay eyes on are as human as they can get. The most troubling and intriguing part about certain ladies is that they are very adept at hiding personality flaws through superficial appearances. No doubt it is vital that a lady know how to groom herself well, and conduct herself proper in the presence of others. But to hold secrets and appear as another person than one really is, is truly manipulative and fundamentally dishonest. But we men play an integral part of encouraging such manipulation, how can we expect the ladies not to press our buttons when we openly show it to them? Only a fool would say they won't.

Men. Men and their self-given weaknesses towards beauty. Many men will fall prey to the bearer of beauty, over and over again. Many men, disregarding all timeless wisdom would gladly line up before the seductress and willingly sacrifice their livelihood without hesitation. Many, will leave their own men behind when chasing the bearers of beauty. Many failures are wrought through such acts of 'hos before bros'. I've heard enough stories of brothers doing the deed of getting another brother to meet with a beautiful lady, so that they might get acquainted; only to be left and ignored during the fateful meetup. Men, and their lack of self-admiration and self-blessing have now passed the torch of masculinity into the hands of the unwilling women. They've lost it. I'm sick of seeing them act this way, I for one should know; for I've acted that way before. The thing with men is this: We will never listen until it is us who are now left rotting in the ditch by our own carelessness and self-curse of passionately sacrificing all for superficial beauty. That's why most of us will never interrupt when we witness a Nice Guy doing his thing. We know where he will end up, yet we know he will never listen until it is too late. Such is a man's ego, if only we observe and learn how the womenfolk provide counsel to their women in making.

They said never to do something in private that you will never admit in public. Sounds fair enough, such a way to conduct your life will result in a most integrated individual. Comfortable with their personality, talents, preferences, strengths, weaknesses, sexuality, and much more. And most importantly not finding the need to conceal who they truly are. A grand challenge, to which I realize as a man in such a pursuit, it is a blessing. Since most of us are able to stand alone, and to perish alone. The thought of admitting wholeheartedly who we are as men regardless of what others say we should be is not such a terrifying suggestion when compared to the more socially-reliant ladies. In no way am I saying they are inferior, I'm just merely saying that they need social support much more than men; as they have been since time immemorial. A lady alone will perish faster than a man who stands alone.

So next. Next is the word. Who is and what is, next? -I truly wonder. But my intuition tells me that so long as I pursue my calling in life, my other half will show up. And it is there that I can possibly think about finding her at all. It must be when I'm on my own solitary journey, never as a group support role. It is when I'm a leader that she will reveal herself. I pray that my intuition will prove itself right in time.

The word crafting has evoked interest in me. As I realize I'm not actually adapting virtue as a practice, but I am very much in the act of crafting a virtue that will fit me well for time to come. Crafting a system that works best for me, crafting a boat that will carry me through the turbulent waves of life in the coming years. Crafting is the word.

Enough babbling for now, I must get back to reading. I very much enjoy solitude nowadays, as I get to reflect on the day's work as well as to enjoy plainly my very own companionship. For no one understands me like I do. So I throw my arms around my shoulder everyday and pull myself ever closer at the end of day, and say out loud; with exuberance. -"A job well done today, Carson!"

To life. Carpe diem.

Your Honesty Is Sexy.

2011-12-08T08:04:00.000-08:00

Be forewarned, this post is as raw as it can get.

-It's amazing what can happen in a shot span shy of one year.

The things I chose to ignore to keep my post-breakup pain at bay, but eventually have to go through alone. A true journey towards maturation in understanding myself, and as a result the people around me.

Finally, I've heard of what has transpired in the months that followed after my breakup. I admit openly here that it's lame to be talking about this, especially after it's been over for so long. Perhaps these inevitable turn of events are a way I shall see a slow but sure closure to this chapter in my life. It's a pleasant surprise to know that it actually takes me this long to get over a bad first breakup with a superficially beautiful lady.

It's good to know I can trust myself to handle listening to what others around me considers a hard pill for me to swallow when it comes to the news of my past love. I'm glad there are brothers out there who would hold not honest words from me, and trust that I can better handle such news. I appreciate your honesty.

It's amazing how we pardon superficially good looking people and their misbehavior. This is especially true for me, I took a bucket load of BS thinking that my ideals of my past love was of just reason. As events would unfold, I did indeed place her on a very pristine pedestal. And like many who worship idols only to find out they too are flawed deities, disappointment eventually followed. Always remember, whatever one despise in others does not mean that they will not eventually commit and become. This is true at least from my personal observation.

The topic of being shallow has been explored by many people throughout the ages. I can see and understand now why the wise have always advice against judging a book by its cover. For I did, and I sure as heck hoped prayed the content would be as beautiful as the cover. As human as we are, we have flaws. But what surprised me the most was that she would commit such an act border lining at hypocrisy. But who am I to hold it against her, for I myself lacked the better judgement of having noticed earlier. I feel sad for her, and surprisingly for myself as well for having put myself through much unnecessary suffering to trust in the good side of her. Perhaps, the most accurate way is to say that I have selfishly projected my ideals of her onto her. Ideals. What a tricky thing to avoid having.

And to drop my principles and give in to superficial temptations remains an ever tempting preposition. Would I not think twice before I get sexually intimate with a beautiful lady? -I would, but would my gentleman side of knowing honor and integrity be strong enough to hold such sexual vices and passion for beauty back when the time comes? Especially if I know she is cheating on his man? -I truly wonder. For I know of a thousand men who will readily bed a beautiful lady who already has a man when the opportunity arises, but I know not of a true gentleman yet who would deny such act from transpiring before him. And to hold himself highly to have self-deprived himself of such passionate but morally-unsound acts.

To be honest, I feel a mix of disappointment and surprise. I'm not sure how to put it in words, but it is a valid feeling to have. At the same time, I feel relieved. As if a heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

I'm no perfect person. In fact, I have a mountain of flaws to overcome in the coming years. I'm not saying I will never commit an equal act of sexual vices, only time will tell when the opportunity arises for me to deny my darker side of passionate vice.

It says a lot when someone can drop you like a rock into the depths. It says even more when someone would commit what they despised and judged in others.

If I could sum up what we are now as 'friends'. It would be this: It feels very much like talking to a brick wall. It's no surprise after I allowed her to compared me to the likes of the quote on quote 'pathetic guys' who was drooling all over her and wanted her sexually. Silly, how I allowed myself to march back there in such weak form only to be judged and penalized.

So the begging question is always this: Was all the pain and suffering worth it? -The answer is yes. We learn most through big failures and huge disappointments in life. I sure as hell suffered for a good length for more than 6 months. It was a fluctuating year. Happy, confused, sad. Happy again, and it keeps looping. All from this one experience, it's crazy. The dreams that I would have of her. Silly. But it happened.

And they tell me the easiest way to get over someone is to get a new girl. -Seriously? When I'm in this state? To use another lady as rebound would be most unruly of me. I have promised myself that I will deal with this through and through, using every gentleman cell in my body. If anything, the next lady in my life deserves the best possible version of me. I'm well on my way there. I will leave her happier than I have found her. -Of course I sincerely hope that I will not have to have to go through another unruly breakup. But a man has to do what a man's gotta do.

There is also another question that strikes excitement and fear in my heart: Will I ever find one better than her? -This excites me, but at the very same time it frightens me. They say once a man have tasted honey and the high life, it is quite unlikely for him to settle for less. And this is precisely what I'm going through now.

After all, she did love me madly for whatever length of time our expired relationship permitted. And to couple that with her good looks; a potent combination indeed. That was definitely a high point in my life, for that much I'm grateful to have had.

Turns out most superficially beautiful people will share similar vices, after all if one was born with such powers would it not be tempting to abuse them during the most opportune time? -It is human nature to do so, at least my reasoning tells me so. If I was a good looking lad, and girls are all throwing themselves at me. I would find it hard to not abuse such powers. But of course, at the very same time; I hope for the very best. That there is one who is internally as beautiful as she is superficially. I know she is out there somewhere, hoping for the very same qualities in a true gentleman who is morally as sound as his exterior good looks despite all the good looking men who have disappointed her in the past.

Nowadays, ladies do not seem to tickle my fancy anymore, perhaps one can argue that it is unjust for me to compare them to my past love; but I have to admit I'm quite a shallow fellow myself. I have an inclination for beautiful things. Otherwise I would not salivate over such artistic crafts like the Lamborghini Aventador. With that said; this much be true, my tolerance for superficial beauty have greatly increased to which point it is rather numbed. It will take a whole lot more than superficial beauty to intrigue me now. Which I take it for a very good thing, for beauty distracts from the real conversation.

To add to that, there is a saying that those who are born with beauty is like being born rich but getting poorer over time. And those who strive towards creating beauty in themselves age like fine wine. I sure hope my earnest conviction towards self-crafting will result in the best possible version of myself in the coming years.

I've also made it a point to remain single until I'm fully able on my own in all aspects of life. This way, I turn the tables on life itself. I determine what goes on, in, and out of my life. A worthy position to strive for. Of course, throughout these months there has been opportunities where ladies have expressed interest in me. As much as I feel excited by these opportunities, I know in honesty that this is just not the time for me to run amok in the field of flowers. That time will surely arrive in the very near future. Perhaps, by then I will meet the duplicate personalities of my past love. Then I hope I will have the wisdom to tell the difference, and the courage to do the right thing.

So in closing, I will type this much. When dealing with the matters of the heart, treat yourself as if you are the only person you are ever truly in love with and will readily sacrifice for. Because at the end of the day, your heart is in your chest for a good reason. It's for your own safe-keeping. Show your affection through your actions, never by placing your heart in the hands of another person. Never, for if you do; you have set in sure motion your very own downfall.

Carpe diem. There is much to be accomplished!

Tricks That Eventually Gets Old

2011-12-06T07:51:00.000-08:00

The M word. My friends are smart, typically one. He knows which buttons to try me, and he uses my ex.

After having my balls busted so many times by that word, I'm beginning to feel indifferent. It's true they say, it's either you grow further apart after breaking up; or you grow closer. Turns out, it's the former. It's sad to know that, especially after how close we got. I'm still rather bummed out at how cold another person can get at an individual they decide to just remove them from their lives. -A prime lesson in my life. Pretty epic one.

Now I find myself having difficulty bonding with anyone without feeling a level of anxiety. It's odd. I don't feel safe dealing with people who wants to get close, but at the same time I'm beginning to feel safer being with myself. I take it that it's a phase that I'm going through, one that requires solitary self-discover to mold.

Several elements are still off in my life, still having a little bumps along the way. The hustle continues. Important vs urgent.

Important triumphs in the end, else it bites you should you delay it.

Neurologically Driven Anxiety

2011-12-03T09:47:00.000-08:00

It's coming close to a year, but the mere thought of running into an old acquaintance remains an prime trigger for a very odd heartache. I can't put it in words, perhaps this is the type of pain a person recovering from a traumatic incident experiences when they revisit an old crash site or similar.

I'm not saying mine is as grave as a traffic accident, but it feels as confusing to this day. Interesting nonetheless.

That aside, I was very inspired by Seneca's quote:

"What man can you show me who places any value on his time, who reckons the worth of each day, who understands that he is dying daily?"

It's rather morbid to think in these terms, but I do agree that it puts things into perspective. What matters and what doesn't.

If something scares me, I have made it a point to summon whatever courage I have in order to face it. After all, one man's fear is another man's indifference. I just tend to make a big deal out of something personal, when in fact it's more common than air.

Reading about the stories of the courageous men of past has made me realized how we are all coddled by the very foundations that have taken them blood, sweat, and tears to lay down. And here we are as men making a joke out of our lives by whining, crying over spilled milk, and complaining. Compared to them, we should be ashamed to be even standing on what they have built together as men of honor.

Nevertheless, I feel indebted to the men of past for setting example and in ink their accounts and wisdom so that it may reach those who seek of it.

My shoulder blade muscle is healing, and I'm very very happy that I can avoid going to a physiologist now!

The hustle continues!

Dealing With Mediocrity

2011-12-01T08:10:00.000-08:00

Today I finally created a sample from scratch, it took a total of 3 days of on and off work. Hours invested, and the outcome verdict is this: It can be much better. After doing some self-reflection, I realized this was the precise feeling I was attempting to avoid this whole time. This hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized now why I just never bothered to bring any of my previous ideas to the next level. It's the dreaded what-ifs faced by countless entrepreneurs gonna-bes. This is what we have to overcome to get over the tipping point...

Dealing with mediocrity.

No doubt there is a feeling of pride with oneself after completing one step of the thousands of steps ahead, but still it seems less than ideal. And it always will be. I will take the day off tomorrow to do a proper review of what can be improved in terms of content delivery. It looks good, but it's not the best yet. But like a wound, the only natural way is one cell at a time. Slowly, but surely.

This is the situation where creating something new, I end up creating new problems too. Nevertheless, it is all part of the game. At the very least, the first step is out of the way. Now comes the 2nd step. I can't imagine being idle. It's a sin of humanity.

I really hope my partner will delight at this little creation. I know deep down in my heart of hearts this idea will work! If not Malaysia, at least in other countries where there is more of that niche demand. To add confidence to that idea's workability, I once played a role in putting this idea to the test last year with an old acquaintance. It worked, it was well received.

Excited as I am, my friend has started his own business. Though from the looks of it, it is very much still in the early pulling phase. The most tedious of all.

To add to that, I had a good chat with my ex-employer; which I now consider a mentor. Turns out we are not too different after all. He experienced a painful berakup around my age, and forged ahead for the next 5 years despite all the doubts his peers so gladly showered him with. Now they keep quiet as he walks into the room. I'm glad we share similar viewpoints in life about the importance of attitude towards the topic of freedom.

In short, even though things are beyond our control. We are still blessed with the freedom to choose how we view and re-frame them in a more empowering way. Victor Frankl did an amazing job at explaining it:

"Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." ~Viktor E. Frankl

2011's been a rough year for a lot of people, I'm too lazy to even think about mine now. Let's just say it was well worth it. To be taught a real lesson about trusting no one but myself first. Setting expectations on others is the same as passing your heart over for someone to keep it safe. It's too much of a burden for anyone to bear anyways. A grand way to set myself up for grand rejection and disappointment.

The world needs more independent people, it's amazing how the media is populated by all these romantic ideas of love. How one can always rely on the other, the truth is... you can't. It's painful to have to learn it through a breakup personally, but when I think about it. I'm 25. Do I want to drag it and learn about this when I'm 30? Hell no. I'm happy with 25. Just about the right time to wake up, and be on my way.

My Manvotionals arrived today, and I'm very-very pleased with what Brat and Kate have done! To add to my delight, is how promptly it was shipped to me from Amazon. I recall using their service 2 years back, and the books I ordered were lost in shipment. But now, wow!

I plan to have myself a nice bungalow surrounded by greens, and a simple minimalist interior settings. In there, will be a study room to indulge in self-assessment and self-mastery.

Ok, that's all from my head today. Looking forward to the 7th CC with my partner, we must hustle to set things up and running. No matter how small. This is the first cell we will begin duplicating in order to create a huge organism of positive impact. -Off to physical forging.

Must live the TRY ME! attitude.

Physiologist, Career Choices, and Life

2011-11-30T07:24:00.000-08:00

Recently I have discovered that I have injured/sprained/torn a muscle/sinew underneath my left shoulder blade, but here I am still considering if I should spend money to get it looked at next month. Sneezing has become a real pain, instead of a loud sneeze; it's a semi-sneeze followed by a loud grunt, and sometimes a few fist pumps onto the table in futile attempts to keep the pain in control.

This. The doings of willpower. The will to become physically able, one that perhaps has overstretch the current bodily limits of 100 push ups daily. But now I have a new fear, the fear of stopping; the fear of mediocrity.

It is only natural that I have arrived here at this point of the other extreme. I was physically mediocre last year after all. Nonetheless, I have since decided to make no qualms about it. I have also readjusted the regime to lesser count in attempts to allow room for recovery.

I will visit the physiologist that Andrew recommended anyhow next month. If this pain become a chronic permanent pain from delays, I will be damned. Best get it fixed early while it's still fresh.

Lately, there has been a spike in my peers venturing into business. To be more precise, personal sink-or-swim businesses. They play boss, and they play technician, and they play accountant, they play every aspect of that business. It's exciting to watch many of them bravely set sail. Here I am preparing my sail, in anticipation of my voyage to begin with a partner of mine.

This month, things have slowed down considerably. Given the year end 'winter' season of the freelance marketplace. Companies are consolidating accounts and preparing tax reports, hence they are less likely to sub jobs out to contractors. Fear not, we fare well still. Pity the growth rate has slowed though.

For the past 2 days, I've been forging a new product, and to my pleasant surprise I have again underestimated how a simple task can involve so many elements in play. Nevertheless, it was done just 3 hours ago and I look forward to creating the first prototype. Even though it is not perfect, I have given myself permission to launch this 'imperfect' product to touch base and test the unpredictable waters of public space.

Also, I'm very delighted at the recent arrival of my prototypes from Denmark! They looks splendid! Especially the gold-plated mask! Exclamation marks abound. I'm so happy with it that I keep staring at it whenever I get a break from working. The other 2 prototypes that once proven to work will benefit society, sounds far-fetched I know. But I'm confident it will, as long as I pull it off! Of the 2, one has failed; so I will proceed with testing the more complicated design. If that fails too, I will have to refine my ideas and consult more industry professionals when it comes to custom material casting.

All in all, I'm delighted at my progress. I shall keep moving.

Bust A Sinew, Push Even Harder

2011-11-27T22:00:00.000-08:00

It's a Monday, and it's a holiday. I'm not pleased. For every holiday, lost is a day to getting things done.

Nevertheless, this is a time for some quiet contemplation. Recently, closing the 2 week mark of the Atlas program. I've busted what I believe to be a sinew right beneath my left shoulder blade. Since I can't touch the muscle from the back, I have reasons to believe it is the rib muscle that has suffered a blow. I have good faith that it will make way for a stronger sinew/muscle. Sneezing has become a major flinching reflex followed by a groan of pain with a little 'sprinkle' of pleasant laughter knowing I created this out of a positive thing. Otherwise known as a good hurt.

I've been thinking, should I stop? And maybe have a rest and let it heal? I'm having such a good time moving forward now I just can't imagine settling for being idle while it heals. There's this endless debate that goes on in my head, but I'm not settling for a rest. I can rest all I want when I'm 80 years old. Time's a wasting. Running has taught me that movement is better than no movement at all, muscles heal from wear and tear. Not idleness.

I'm most pleased with the physical results, but I'm not satisfied yet. For every inch of improvement I make, I can see a higher mark that I can now achieve. It's like staring at a flight of stairs after you complete one, but you know very well that after each one your view of the world gets better and clearer. It's exciting, and I can't help but satisfy my curiosity of what rewards lie behind the next one! I'm on a blue-streak, and I'm loving every minute of it.

Lately, also I've noticed that I'm not very pleased with a few key elements in my lifestyle. I tend to have this fear for that quiet and peaceful moment of solitude, it's as if I wish to keep things always lively and happening. I always try to leave music on whenever I'm working alone at home. What's more interesting is to actually be okay with solitude and the peacefulness it brings about, it's very unfamiliar to me. I can count my friends in one hand, and I'm not exactly sure if it's a good thing just yet. To add to that, my lifestyle today is so different from theirs that I'm beginning to sense a gap in conversations and social intimacy. It's like they are always talking about securing a raise, while I'm talking about getting things done outside of a cubicle. It's odd, and sometimes downright uncomfortable.

This loneliness feeling. Perhaps it's a gentleman's curse and duty to be able to travel in life on his own first. Perhaps maturity is reaped from that very act of solitary sowing. All the successful men that I admire have this one quality that seem to defy all others, the ability to be okay with their lives as a solitary and powerful unit. Even when the whole world is critical about them. These men make being stoic look like child's play. They always make me imagine what it was like for them before they decidedly snapped their fingers and committed to the higher authority in them and set forth all great things to come.

Every stoic man for himself. In today's society, men or men-to-be must possess this ability to make change and stir up innovations in society. In a man can't get his life together, nothing else will fall through. Looking for approval from others is a foundation for a perfect downfall. Self-blessing/loving is no easy task, but I figured if once someone could fall head over heels for me. Why not do the very same for myself? Took me long enough to figure that out. A lot of cognitive dissonance in action.

So am I going to stop just because it hurts? The answer is a stubborn no. It's like a daily shower for the body. You can't just settle for no shower just because a part of your skin is bruised. My logic can't and will not accept such ridiculous suggestions. If it hurts, make no qualms about it and press on. If rejection in life has taught me anything, it's that it's a test of wits. Talk is cheap. Let action be a man's best buddy.

Press on.

Why Students Are Actually Teachers

2011-11-25T19:04:00.000-08:00

As year 2012 creeps ever closer, I begin to realize that I've been lecturing in a local art college for 2 semesters now; that's a little over 7 months already.

I guess the old expression of, 'Time flies.' can be applied here. I always like to think of it as us being slow and unproductive. After all, 24 hours will be 24 hours. Time management is actually self management, but that's a whole new topic to be discussed on another day.

Back to topic. Here's what I have learned from my small but inspiring two batches of students:

1. They viewed me as much more than I viewed myself, thus setting the stage for me to live up to that very expectation to act the part and point them in the right direction. -Without followers to inspire a leader, how can one emerge?

2. They taught me to be a competent organizer. I was a messy and disorganized person, but I begin to noticed my life is a whole lot more organized after the first semester ended. Somehow, out of the dark ashes of my old negative self rose a phoenix; one that eventually engulfed me with a sense of purpose to better manage everything and everyone that comes into my life. I realized I was now a role model, and have to lead by example. I do admit that the first few weeks was a horror for me, I over-packed, under-prepared, and struggled with keeping records of student grades. Not to mention missing two flights due to my weak punctuality muscles.

I always imagine what it would have been like had those times been a military mission. Men would have died because of my miscalculations and mismanagement. Unnerving thought.

3. They taught what mattered in the long-term. I was a short-term lad just a year back, I planned everything short-term; and as a result, I too live its consequences. After realizing that I've pretty much come full circle (by graduating from the very same college, working, and now back here teaching). I began to notice what mattered most in terms of developing long-lasting skills that would propel them forward into their respective industries: Attitude, and character. I have since done much research upon these two topics, and I was surprised at how little I actually understood about these two vitals in life.

4. Most importantly, they taught me how to be a man. It's uncomfortable to have to deal with people, especially for a person of my past wits. It took a tremendous amount of self-reflection and hard internal struggle. Taking 100% responsibility for my own life sounded easy, that's precisely why it came down hard on me. Never underestimate anything in life, embrace them as they are and move ahead. That has been the best way I have found to tempering the steel of my soul. Make no qualms about it, just get it done.

5. They taught me how to be a good listener. I have always pride myself to be a problem-solver, but turns out it was a crutch I have relied on my whole life to gain approval; to solve the problems of others, but not my own; and directly created codependent relationships with people around me. Little did I realize it was the reason for so many of my failed social interactions.

So nowadays I make it a point to listen more than I speak, in fact I rarely provide any solutions. In sub-communication, the more you try to fix someone's problems; the more you are in many ways insulting their competency to run their own lives and resolve their own issues. Furthermore, I feel much more relieved nowadays after I realized that it is okay to let the world take its course without my interference.

6. They taught me that being caring is to give what they need. Not what they wanted. Let's face it, I've had my fair share of problematic students. Some loves arriving late, and coming up with unsubstantial excuses. Some love delaying work until it is too late, and coming up to me armed with tears; and asking me if I can pardon their in-class vices. Of course, I can play the nice cop and let them off the hook. But what am I encouraging in these young men and women? It takes courage to do what's right, and serve what is needed. Definitely not an easy position to be in, especially if you have unresolved insecurities of your own.

So all in all, it has been a humbling experience. They have taught me so much about myself that it's exciting to know what else I might receive as 'gifts' from them in the coming two more years that I plan to stay and watch them graduate.

Only time will tell. I'm still getting the hang of refining the syllabus that I have control over, every class is different; so will the approaches be. It's gonna take a few more semesters to get me primed to handle a multitude of teaching approaches.

The Flaws That Make Perfection Possible

2011-11-24T18:36:00.000-08:00

After much consideration, I've decided to use this blog as an outlet to overcome some personal issues and monitor my progress.

I'm no perfect individual, in fact I'm so flawed I used to hide from people. But I suppose it is an opportunity for me to prove to myself how I can handle improving such flaws in the first place, a test.

Without over thinking it, here are the list I have been working on and off since January 2011.
1. Punctuality: This is a big one for me, and still proves to be a huge challenge for me as I just can't seem to lay my finger on how to estimate the time I need to get from point A to point B. So far it's either I reach very early, or slightly late. -Now that I realize this, perhaps I will opt for reaching early from now on. Better early than to be rushing late.

2. Integrity: This is a hard one, as to view myself as worthy of great things and ultimately of self-love is quite a challenge. I have been subscribed to martyrdom mindset since young, and coming to recognize that and admitting that was the hardest challenge; because it meant that now I have to look inwards and take really good care of myself first. Something I never done earnestly before. This challenge is a mental one, but definitely a conquerable one nonetheless. So far things have been going great, I've learned that the trick to fixing personal flaws are to break them down into bite sized bits. That way, the chances of getting overwhelmed by the tasks of improvement is minimal.

3.Physical strength: A grand one this I tell you. From a scrawny little guy to a muscular and strong man is a transition only possible with a religious regime. I've been working out without weights for 2 weeks now, and the results speak for themselves. People around me noticed my chests and biceps getting bigger. It's really odd to have reached this point, I've always thought it would look weird on me. But having gotten bigger, I prefer to stay this way; and continue to get bigger. After all, I did not receive such personalized critiques from my ex only to waste them to oblivion. Mind as well be resourceful and use it as a driving force in my life.

4. Results: This is another one of my greatest flaws, speed of implementation. Results make the man, not cheap talk. I've never learned this until I was broken up with, even then it took another 6 months to really get the meaning. Looking back, I really feel the urge to punch the silly out of the old me. I can barely tolerate such flawed boyish nature now, especially when I begin handling classes of students; and I come across immature guys who still use emotions and tears to better bribe me into pardoning their in-class vices. To which, I ignore and encourage the better roles in them, so they may live up to them.

5. The 3 Second Rule: If the little muse in my mind whispers of a task important, I will begin to count down 3 seconds and get on my way. That has helped me tremendously get out of my own head and to get things done.

6. Breaking free: It's still quite a challenge to not think about my ex, to be honest I have no ideas why I still feel such positive emotions for her. Perhaps it's a cognitive dissonance where the boy in me was hurt, yet the man in me realized what great deed she has done for me. It's a love and hate thing, and it's rather confusing to say the least. I always wonder how she is doing, and I hope she will find the man of her fitting. Intelligent, sexy, beautiful, and funny. Such beauty is hard to come by in today's society, it's a real shame I wasn't ready as a man when I met her. Well, the next lady shall benefit from the harvests of her past nurturing to the past Carson.

Well, that's that! I got to get back to work now. I will see you real soon, my bloggity space! There is much to be done.